Not been using this much.

But I just want to be a bit more organised, get in early and wish all you wonderful people

A VERY SPARKLY MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Hope you all have a fabulous time

Much love x x x

Urgh, yeah it's been a while...
Not that I have much, save for the fragments of my splintered mind, to show for it.
I got my hair cut off so I could be guised as Amelie for Halloween. I now how a cold neck most days but I am getting used to it.
As of next Tuesday I'll be doing 3 jobs, plus working on PR team for Club OLUM at the Classic Grand. Anything to keep me busy and helping to eventually ease the difficult and self inflicted financial situation I currently reside in.
Had my heart...not so much broken as bruised recently. Less said about all that silly fluffy stuff the better. A girl such as I should never get her hopes up and should always remain a solitary figure.

Ach there are many aspects of the train wreck I could describe here but I am severely lacking the energy to even think about them right now.

If other people, supposed friends aren't letting me down, then it's stupid old me doing it.

As I said, URGH!

Hold your grandmother's Bible to your breast.Gonna put
it to the test.You want it to be blessed.And in your
heart,You know it to be true,You know what you gotta
do. They all depend on you.

And you already know.
You already know how this will end.

There is no escape,From the slave-catchers' songs. For
all of the loved ones gone.Forever's not so long. And in your soul,They poked a million holes.
But you never lettem show.C'mon it's time to go.

And you already know.
You already know how this will end.

Now you've seen his face.And you know that there's a place in the
sun, for all that you've done. For you and your children.
No longer shall you need. You always wanted to believe. Just ask and you'll receive beyond your wildest dreams.

And you already know.You already know how this will end. You already know

A couple of weeks back, I hadn't cried or vomitted in...I dunno, a while say. Then Monday comes along, and that's about all I did.
For many reasons.
And one of them was someone. Or at least I am going to blame them.
But not alcohol poisoning. Still trying to not bother with alcohol and things that make me feel like crap.
Except the new meds they have put me on, while the hosptial make room for me. To tide me over...and make me vomit and go woozy and not speak right when I'm fucking in the middle of town trying to be normal. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!
But at least I finally now feel genuinely sleepy. I think.

An unexpected letter came this morning. After a quiet week of little post and little communication with the useless world, I recieved several letters. 2 from work (which had been mistakenly posted to my old address) and 2 from the wonderful NHS.

( Rants against the NHS, v v v boring )

Back at work tomorrow, been so long since I worked regular front of house shifts, but got plenty of them this month to refresh me. About 15 f.o.h shifts on top of my 4-5 shifts a week on the Bazaar Bar. Nope, I didn't find any of that exciting either.

It's Jarvis's birthday today (the Cats Protection shelter I got him from assigned the day I took him home with me as his birthday because the real date and his exact age are unknown). A year since we became roomies. Happy 4th birthday Jarvis.

I, apparently, have to get a Tetanus shot, as I haven't had my full 5 doses to consider me fully vaccinated. Haa! Luckily, I don't mind needles, I just have a fear that they're going to put the needle in my ass and I will, therefore, cry like a sissy.

I'm really not having much luck with health related issues of late. That and recieving answers. And being surrounded by invisible people.

I can't sleep much anymore because I keep hallucinating my cat is a giant, bigger than human size, and I keep trying to lock him out my room, but then giants can out-do locks. I think.

I don't think I care to be playing this game anymore, sir.

Today I really like the words-

tapir
pedantic
rudimentary
chasm
unwieldy
hush

And everything else is still pretty much in the bad books, save a few lost souls and cheesecake.

Watching repeats doesn't clarify anything. Same applies to re-thinking events and situations.

I also am beginning to enjoy being anti social and an outcast. I feel it suits my bodily frangrance and crooked smile.

Perhaps it really is all in my mind. Perhaps it is just the movies I watch. Perhaps it's not even fucking real.

But there's something, perhaps even everything, that just isn't right just now. Or at all. Words, events, relationships, people (Wait, especially people) just do not seem real anymore.

And what on earth I am achieving by typing this is possibly even less that I would by blurting my absurdities aloud and declaring myself "Weep, Weep! Just an over emotional train wreck waiting to happen, Weep! Weep!" See that doesn't even make sense. Nothing does.

And what's the deal with me going sober, and staying away from drugs, but indulging in other equally self destructing habits as a pathetic attempt at redemption or coping. It's all a burning ball of self denial.

Mother fucking pointless update too.

Snakes on a plane, A Scanner Darkly and Keane (film, not band) are all worth seeing. (The latter two fall into mind fuck territory, possibly in a good way, I don't know, my head exploded several hours ago and I haven't cleared the mess)

It's all quiet in the land of Gill. well, as quiet as can be. Life is consisting of work, work, work, sleep (rarely), being unwell (occassionally) and struggling to find the point to any of it (constantly). But bearable, is life, in the bigger picture I guess.

Holidays from work on Monday, through until the 1st of September. I. Cannot. Wait. Mainly because it means I get to sleep. And think (not about making coffee or keeping tabs, or when to go my break). And exist. Whilst making plans to live, perhaps. Or at least do something positive towards living and not merely existing. But that may, or WILL, take a lot of time and to be honest, a lot of help in some ways/shapes/forms.

Becoming addicted to the Diary of a Genus cartoons on the back of The Guardian's g2 supplement. Have decided to stop buying The Herald and The Observer (or at least cut back) and adhere to taking the work's copy of the Guardian home at night.

Am also reading texts on Che Guevara, as well as The Motorcycle Diaries itself. In Comp Lit last year, we studied Rosario Castellanos and briefly touched upon Mexican/South American culture and politics. It's something that has always drawn in my attention and is increasingly coming up in my thoughts and conversations. So I forced my folks to watch The Motorcycle Diaries and they seemed to enjoy, as well as Jim Jarmusch's Down by Law and Night on Earth. I think I am good influence on my parents. There is potential to re-educate them against all that is wrong with the world and Western culture. THE WORLD IS A BIG FUCKING PLACE. I am not making sense as I am terribly hungry.

Dinner is ready! Thank goodness.

I got tickets for the Dresden Dolls Ed show next month. Woo and Hoo.

That's about it for news to be honest. I'm not in the greatest of moods right now. Evidence these stupid pills aren't working, but they can spin my mind in about a billion different directions. Doo doo doo.

Oh, wait. Now this, I sadly didn't get pictures of, but I gave my cat, Jarvis, a bath yesterday and it was so fucking funny. Despite him mauling me to death. He looked so scrawny and ratty after, and slid all over the bathroom floor when he finally escaped. The house took longer to dry than he did. And my silly mother poured a jug of water+cat shampoo over me. Hardyhardy har.

Working full time, how did I become so domesticated and semi-routined, yet still my life is a shambles? Meh.

And I have to give a massive thumbs up to MST3K. Seriously. Call me Mrs Prince of Space.

That is all folks x

I didn't have any Stranglers on my ipod so I had to recitify that. And drink insane amounnts of tea while losing the ability to type well.

I have been working fulltime (technically) and I actually prefer it to the uni crap. Well aside from the current lack of customers, it's a great way to meet people and make money and do something productive whilst listening to Squarepusher amongst other musical geniuses.

Fuck it! When someone tells me I CANT do something, that only encourages me. LIke my 3 weeks of being a smoker there. Once everyone got used to it, it didn't bother me whether I had a ciggie or not. Now I'd rather have a CUP OF TEA. And use capital letters at any opportunity.

I am NOT getting used to these new meds very well. Apparently they are closely linked to ECSTACY which I have tried on a few occassions and not liked. Despite the fact everything feels better than velvet toilet paper. I love the feeling of SOFT things right now. And the sound of THE STRANGLERS.

HA! I bet that hangover into submission with my cups of tea! THINK YOU CAN GET THE BETTER OF ME??? No, you can't. That just would not do.

Know what else just doesn't do? Certain males. Ok, ok, ok, I'm being selfish and full of that STUPID wishful thinking I sometimes allow myself to have. I respect the fact that it's never going to happen and I really, genuinely respect the music. I just want to wallow in the "heartbroken" status for a while. It's like being the outsider in th World Cup, knowing a victory in the final (or even getting there) would only be possible in a movie. But still, you foolishly (and secretly) get your hopes up. And for what?

It'll take a long time for me to get over, your incredible ways. You're a recptacle for the respectable.

Go Paul, you good for nothing, go crunch that celery and carrot.

I have the most horrible feeling about life right now. I have a burning gut instinct that something is about to happen. Something bad.

I feel incredibly sick right now.

I don't know why but whenever workmen are doing something in your vicinity, even if it is purely outside, chopping down trees, you feel uneasiness at going about your everyday routine. It's probably just a manifestation of my own insecurity and paranoia but I feel wierd going for a shower or dancing about to music while these guys are outside.

Shooo, shooo! Be gone now!

Finally bagged some form of full time employment in the bar/food bit at the city halls. Ok so thats just the slackers guide to getting more hours, just work between 2 departments but I am so fucking skint that I'm almost at the I would do anything stage for cash.

I really want to rant about radio 2 right now, but it would merely be a poitnless "pms-ridden" exercise. I am showing such restraint these days, hmmmmm....

Beat me with a stick, I actually have a full day off, no routines or responsibilities to stick to. Time to see Fuschia! And Mr Drennan "graduate". Lordy!

I am unhappy here. And it's not the rain or whatever. It's just usual old me and frustration.

So I have been looking up adventures online.

I wish to go to Hotel Reykjavik Centrum and cosy up with someone for my birthday.

Failing that I am going to find a lighthouse to live in and continue to be miserable and snub society. I don't mean for my birthday, heck I know I'm occassionally unconventional. I mean as a way of life.

I didn't sleep much last night as you can tell from the pointlessness of this entry.

I saw a real live BADGER last night and thatmade me happy. As did the night in general. Twas just perfect. Almost.

Pictures are now online from Sunday's show. Don't know why (emmm possibly cos I spent most of the night inmy undies??) but it's making me feel wierd in both a good and bad way.
Luckily, for the most part, photographs were being taken at opposite end of stage from me so not too much photographic exposure.
Shit, though there was dancing in my underwear for a music vid on monday.....why, lordy, why??

SOmethings don't seem so crazy at the time, I guess!